This is not my ceiling
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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