grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize