He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
the day after is always just damage control
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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