How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
