my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
