I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
