I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
