like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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