Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I intend to get homeless drunk
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
