I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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