i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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