So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
