I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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