oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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