U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
