I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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