Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He felt like a one man threesome
We just shotgunned beers for America
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
