god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
