Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
