once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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