You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
