I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
