and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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