Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
