How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
