I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
