Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
