Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
