Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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