sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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