Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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