He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
