Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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