ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
