i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
