My pussy is not your playground.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
