All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize