Christians are straight up FREAKS
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
This is my gift to your gina
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
