i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
