last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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