He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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