I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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