He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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