I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
