"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
