fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
