Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Actions speak louder than pants.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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