Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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