Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
