just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize