I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My ass is underappreciated
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
