I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
