Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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