This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
