On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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