sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
