I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
