Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
