Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
