I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
